Friday, January 14, 2011

from the mouth of a rockstar (stereotypical version)

Everyone thinks it starts when you're young, around five, and your parents get down to your pipsqueak level and ask you in that sickeningly sweet voice "Honey...What would you like to be when you grow up?" And in your five year old overdeveloped and mature mind, a lightbulb pops up and you say with conviction and your fist pumped in the air "A ROCKSTAR".

No, usually how it works, is you fail at life and that's why you become a rockstar. It seems hard to believe because we're supposed to be the glamorous untouchable gods of popular culture, but it's true. We can't make a decent grade to save our lives in school. And if we can, in between our weekdays filled with work, we try to make up a band of ragtag losers who can't play an instrument to save their lives. "Yeah, I'm in a band. With two other guys who can barely play  C D G A chords on the guitar and can keep a beat as long as their hearts aren't beating irregularly." And of course, you're the one that sings. Or plays the backup piano or accordion or some shit instrument like that. And of course, if you sing, you sound like a dying cat on helium running from a rabid squirrel on a bad trip of acid. Yeah, that bad.

Anyway, so we've got our bands. And we've got our garage and we've got our dreams or motivations or whatever. You know, we're gonna be famous one day. We're gonna be rockstars and tour and make music and change the world with our beautiful talent one day. We'll be like the Beatles and chicks will dug us and we'll finally get laid, muthafuckas. Yeah, because you know the only reason any of us actually started bands was to get laid.

So somehow, we have enough soul or talent or commercial potential that we get somewhere. We get a record deal and we get songs out and we're still screaming like dying, rabid cats and still rockin' those C D G A chords, but we've got professional guitar players and professional drum players and professional voice professors profesionally teachin' us. So we get better and we finally hit a spot where some people actually like our music. We get a fanbase, around the clubs we play at, after we've been hit with a few dozen (sometimes) empty beer bottles. We get some groupies, some chicks that are missin' half their teeth and their midriffs all showin', but fuck, it's the best thing we've seen since my old girlfriend slapped me around for trying to unhook her bra back in sophomore year. So we get blown and we get blown, if you know what I mean, and from there, it's all history.

...As in, that's when the shit hits the fan. But it doesn't seem like it hits the fan because we're having the times of our lives. We're not noticing the brown spread clear 'cross the spokes and little pieces of shit hitting us in the eyes. Because, yeah, we're playing the same damn old shit, and people like us, god knows why, 'cause we still suck, but we've found this lifestyle and we're stickin' to it, goddamn it.
We found the whores and the blow and the heroine...we've found the uppers and downers and after the first time, fuck. We need it all the time. Tour starts and you find yourself stuck in a van for several months at a time with two or five or seven other blokes pissing and farting all over the place. You can't even fucking wank off anymore 'cause all these fuckers are breathing down your neck. Not intentionally of course, just 'cause there's not enough space. So you try some shit. A bit of blow. Yo mamma told you never to do it 'cause yo mamma tried it when pa left her and fuck, it was good, but fuck, it was deadly. So you snort some and . Holy. Fuck. You're in heaven. You're floatin'. And you try some other shit and soon enough, it's the only thing that keeps you sane. Uppers in the evening so you can play that goddamn guitar and screech out that microphone and downers to help you go to sleep once in a while. Forget about shitting and eating. All you do is get high, sing, and fuck. Sleep if you can.

So everyone sees some image on MTV or the internet or something. They see this image of some dude breaking his heart over some girl he just had a fling with and it's the most beautiful thing you've ever heard and you play that song over and over and over again until you get sick of it. But behind that image, you've got the dude who actually did get his heart broken over a girl, and all he's doin' is tellin' you a story. Tellin' you a story of what he is, what he dreams, what he's lost, and what he's gonna become. All he's doin' is tellin' you what you in turn are, what you dream, what you've lost, and how you feel. You're too afraid to feel so you need us to tell you. So we will. Are we lyin' to ya? Sometimes. Sometimes, we tell you what you want to hear just so we can get you off our backs. But sometimes, we let you into our own little secrets.

Let me tell you one of them. You're not any different from us, from me. I'm still screechin' out from a microphone, giving all you motherfuckers a taste of how fucked up my life is, and you all are just lapping it up, but you are me and I am you. We're all the same. We're all the same low life scum of the world. We're all motherfuckers. Just that us rockstars, us rock "stars" are forcing you to realize it maybe, somehow. I don't know, man. I mean, at the end of the day when the interviewer asks me "And what's the best part of your life for you?" I gotta stop and think, ya know. I gotta stop and think. 'Cause fuck, my teeth are all rotted from all the drugs I've done. And my semen is all out in all the whores of the backstreets...My voice is leaving me slowly, and soon, I'll be out on the streets just like those whores, beggin' for a dime...but what I will always have is this fuckin' drive, man. Even after all that I've seen. I have this drive to show you all motherfuckers that you're all the fuckin' same. You're all the fuckin' same and you're not any different.

I'm not better than you. I don't live a more glamorous life than you. I'm just like you. I am you. So I don't know...Stop being so goddamn shy all the fuckin' time. Approach me once in a while. I'm tired of having people think I'm some kind of god. I ain't. I'm just some bloke who couldn't get laid in high school so he started a band of his own and then got a taste of his own medicine. I'm just tryin' to make a livin', pay my rent. I don't regret anything, I gotta tell you. But I just wish you'd get it into your head...

We all have the power to be rockstars. Just gotta let it out and tell the world your troubles. Some people will throw beer bottles at you and some will listen. And sometimes, that's all that you need to get through the day.

No comments:

Post a Comment