Sunday, January 30, 2011

the death (VII)

i stare at this button on the sofa
stare at it until all meaning of fabric and bone goes away
and the only thought running through my mind is

why must i die?

why must i endure this pain
this slow, agonizing, creeping pain
hour after hour, day after day
three months of spreading pain
drilling through the cores of my bones
a dull poignant ache that never diminishes
never grows, is simply there
there in the early hours of the morning
at three o'clock when i gasp out in fear
there in the afternoon when the slow lull
of the curtains mocks my position, still on the couch
there in the evening when the callers come
to play bridge and drink coffee

oh god what did i ever do to deserve this pain
didn't i live according to your plan
well and pleasantly with no conflict
conveniently and quietly, in my world
of cheap antiques and wailing relatives
my smirking acquaintances colleagues
my hacking wife and my whorish daughter
i lived with ease and well so why must you punish me so
with this pain this pain this pain

always there, always gnawing at me
wanting my body, my soul

take my body, take my soul
take them take them take them
cursed pain, take them
give me death, give me anything else except this

no! i see its face looming towards me
eyes glittering in the back of its head
chuckling and sharpening its claws that plunge
into the human's treasure and take out his prized possession
in bloody tatters while he screams in horror

my cracked dry mouth opens and my throat swells
my tongue hangs limply with my teeth and the dark abyss
of my body shows through and death comes with its silken grimy paws
smiles its cheshire cat smile and whispers in my ear

i have come for you

get off, demon! take your filthy body off my chest
your stinking breath of fear and hopelessness
i cannot bear you and this pain both within my frail mind
do not touch me with your curse, i have still yet to live

to live, to live, let me still live, i have done no wrong
i have done no wrong so why must i die, i am not like everyone else
i have lived according to plan, this cannot be my end,
bitter and unfulfilled, staring at a bone button on a sofa
you have no right to take this away from me
selfish god, you have no reason to snuff me out like this

yet i cannot remember the last time i smiled
nor the last time i felt truly good
save my childhood memories, those few snapshots
of nostalgia that flicker in my memory sometimes
yet i lived well and pleasantly, i cannot remember
the last time i was quite happy
not ambitious nor self-satisfied, but truly simply happy
my life, a sham nicely covered by the veil of attempted richness
those around me, deceitful liars, constantly saying that i'll get better
that i am not dying, that i will live longer

no, i am dying
i have not lived the way i should have lived
and now i must pay the price and die

but what if i can still make amends
and live in these last moments, these last hours
i scream my pain three days
i scream my anguish and my hatred for my wife
for the specialist doctors who told me to keep taking my pills
for my daughter who cannot understand my pain
i scream my pity for my son, too young to realize his father's death
i scream my useless life away

and finally, i scream for joy
because i have finally lived and been pressed down by death
so far and so deep that it has lost sight of me
it cannot find me here, bathed in light

oh god, i have conquered it
death is finished
it is no more

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