Sunday, January 31, 2010


i envy the boys
their pride sucks them up
as they hurdle curses across like balls
their minds shrinking back into that
old animalistic instinct they were born with

i curse the doctors in their blinding white coats
as i imagine how they flipped a coin and bet
whether i'd burst out a girl or a boy
while god laughed from the sidelines
and made both sides the same

i know my father's anger
driving home from the hospital
eyes and fists clenched tight, he shook his head
and shouted, i wanted a boy i wanted a boy
my mother saying, then you should've thrown me down the stairs earlier

it's not comforting to know
i'm in the same category as you

written January 31, 2010

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Needs in a Poly Relationship

There's this song by Momus called 'I Want You But I Don't Need You'. It's really interesting and I think it characterizes the need vs. want struggle within a relationship well. I've noticed how some people react to being wanted or wanting someone and being needed or needing someone. "Want" is more of a healthy approach to the relationship while "need" is a more obsessive one. When you need someone, it means you cannot function normally without him; you need oxygen to live, you need food to live...but do you need your lover to live? Another example I can think of is the novel Wuthering Heights where Cathy and Heathcliff are so obsessed with each other that not only do they destroy their own lives, they also destroy the lives of the people around them. They don't want each other, they need each other.

Which brings me to one of my points in a very round-about manner: polyamory because of unfulfilled needs. Some polyamorists choose their partners based on the needs that their other partners might not have. For example, if I have a boyfriend who knows how to cook but doesn't know how to play cards and someone who can play a wicked game of whist is important to me (in the sense, I need that quality in a person to have a relationship with him), I might date a girlfriend who can play cards. A person cannot be perfect and a person cannot fulfill all one's needs. However, one can look for the lacking attributes in one person in another. Is that ethically right? Is the process of simply choosing partners for the qualities that the other partners don't have but that are nevertheless important to the person right? To me, it seems like just picking the good fruit from the bad fruit in a container and moving on to the next and doing the same thing.
A criticism to my opinion is that someone does not necessarily discard the "bad fruit" (the lack of certain qualities) but that one actually tolerates them,  accepts them,  and perhaps embraces them. However, when someone else with the qualities the first person lacks comes along, what would be so wrong with having a relationship with him?
Now, the reason why I used the term "needs" instead of "desires" is because when one desires an attribute in a partner, one would like that attribute to be there. However, one doesn't need that quality to have a successful relationship with the person. If one needs that attribute, one cannot under any circumstances have a successful relationship without it.

And my second point, hierarchy of poly relationships which has not much to do with needs but is still again, very (very) loosely connected to them.
Some poly relationships have the hierarchy of primary, secondary, tertiary, etc. The primary relationship is the one where the most attention and care is given, the secondary the not so much attention and care, and so on. Example: primary could be wife, secondary could be girlfriend, and tertiary could be casual sex friend.
Personally, I don't agree with that placing of people in a Pyramid O' Importance. Each partner of mine would have the same degree of importance. I'd treat each with care and affection, with the appropriate and proper amount that the relationship asks for. If my husband desires more attention and my other partners are alright with his decision, then he will get his request. However, if my casual sex friend is having a personal problem that I am able to help with (and he is willing to accept the help), then by all means for that period of time while my casual sex friend is having that problem, I will pay more attention to him instead of my husband (provided he doesn't have anything going on either).
Every person in a relationship is a person. Each has feelings, emotions, and desires that each would like to be accounted for and fulfilled. Everyone has problems and rough spots to get through. Neither the duration of my relationship with the person nor the title the person retains (husband, girlfriend, etc.) is important to me when in a poly relationship. I intend to treat each with the same amount of affection on my part, providing they are willing to receive it.

Now for the lyrics:

I like you, and I'd like you to like me to like you
But I don't need you
Don't need you to want me to like you
Because if you didn't like me
I would still like you, you see
La la la
La la la

I lick you, I like you to like me to lick you
But I don't need you
Don't need you to like me to lick you
If your pleasure turned into pain
I would still lick for my personal gain
La la la
La la la

I fuck you, and I love you to love me to fuck you
But I don't fucking need you
Don't need you to need me to fuck you
If you need me to need you to fuck
That fucks everything up
La la la
La la la

I want you, and I want you to want me to want you
But I don't need you
Don't need you to need me to need you
That's just me
So take me or leave me
But please don't need me
Don't need me to need you to need me
Cos we're here one minute, the next we're dead
So love me and leave me
But try not to need me
Enough said
I want you, but I don't need you

La la la
La la la

I love you, and I love how you love how I love you
But I don't need you
Don't need you to love me to love you
If your love changed into hate
Would my love have been a mistake?
La la la
La la la

So I'm gonna leave you, and I'd like you to leave me to leave you
But lover believe me, it isn't because I don't need you (you know I don't need you)
All I wanted was to be wanted
But you're drowning me deep in your need to be needed
La la la
La la la la la la la la la

I want you, and I want you to want me to want you
But I don't need you
Don't need you to need me to need you
That's just me
So take me or leave me
But please don't need me
Don't need me to need you to need me
Cos we're here one minute, the next we're dead
So love me and leave me
But try not to need me
Enough said
I want you, but I don't need you

Friday, January 29, 2010

a softer world 55 word stories part ii: to love is human

we buried truth under playgrounds: Everyone wants to be good. Everyone wants someone to love and to be loved. Everyone wants to give to the poor. Everyone wants to understand Beauty and Truth. But our souls are chock full of tiny pieces of shrapnel and at the end of the day, we're still alone with all the things we've done. 

you might start wearing clothes around the house: I've always been told that true love is kept inside, that if you shout it from the rooftops, she'll shun you and you'll be sorry you ever said anything. But every night, I feel it bubbling inside of me, growing, until I finally feel as though I'll overflow with happiness. "I LOVE YOU!", I explode. 

lullabies at night, george michael in the morning: They're ruthless killers who want our blood. They're psychopaths, not humans. They listen to our every word, record our every thought. But sometimes, when I hear them breathing on the phone, I sing to them because I know they're sad and they're just like us. I know there's still some space in between the shrapnel. 

like on TV: Fifty years ago, when the industrial smog blocked out the sun and they put us all in tall buildings (easier to protect us, they said), birthdays were illegalized. Today, I turn 100 and I don't want a wild night with a virgin. All I want is to jump off the highest building and touch light. 

None of those lines seems to be about you or me. : I've never been a hit with the ladies. I can't get the right words to come out and my tongue refuses to move in the right directions. But today, when I saw you dancing, I knew exactly what to say. None of that clever bullshit. Simple and clean. "You're beautiful. I'd like to kiss you." 

I looked up some good ones! : I'm dissatisfied with my life. I've always been put down by everyone. I'm sick and tired of being treated like shit. I want to live. I want to tell you now that I love you. I want to tell you everything that's been on my mind all these years. I want to. I want you. 

If you like it then you shoulda put a hug on it. : "Hey, you! Yeah, you! wanna ask ya que...sti...on. Do me a favour, would ya? Yeah. Here's ten bucks. Now, don't fuckin' call me a whore or I'll fuck you up like a ...fuckin' pickle, man. Now give me a hug job, bitch or I'll fuck you up so bad-" 

my last words will be, 'yeah I had that coming.' : When I started puberty, I knew I was different. I wasn't like the other girls. I liked things that could get me in trouble. I kept my secrets until one day, they somehow figured it out. Fuck, it was bad. But then I remembered...we all go to hell. And I intended to deserve it. 

Happy 40th, Stonewall Riots! : When little girls dressed up in princesses, I asked my mother if I should. 'No.' When little girls started liking little boys, I asked my mother if I should. 'No.' When little girls started deciding what they wanted to be, I asked my mother if I should. 'Fuck should. You just go and you live.' 

pain relief: I look through the yellow pages every night and pick names at random. I call from a pay phone and see if anyone picks up. "Hello?" "We know what you did. Don't worry, you aren't alone." Click. Sometimes I wonder if they panic after I hang up but then I remember that misery loves company. 

Orgasms are great, but why skip the sex? : As I was walking, I found the secret of life. When I got to school, Velvet had brought oreo cookies, Thomas told me he loved me, and Joanna gave me that book I've been wanting. I've got a lot of things to do and I'll be busy for a while. I'll look at it later. 

anyway, happy anniversary! : I really hate break-ups. I always seem to mess it up by telling the truth. The thing is, I love them. I really do. But sometimes, love can get so stale after a while and nothing compares to that first giddy rush when you kiss for the first time. Nothing compares to falling in love. 

Oh! Oh man, we should bring an old-timey lantern! : Remember that late night fifteen years ago when we decided to bury our joie de vivre 'cause it was getting to be a bitch? Remember how we were so happy to get rid of it until things started going to hell? You started drinking and she cheated on me. Here. Take a shovel. Let's go.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

deathbed (freddie, we will always love you)

he said he had been infiltrated by it for six years.
rumpled hair hanging in dirty strings
sunken, grey face after days of no sleep
thin lips glued together by nights of confusion
thoughts tumbling over each other like pebbles

he said he had been living with it for five years.
that he would wake up every night in his bed
eyes fixed to the ceiling
hands gripping the bed sheets
freezing sweat sinking back into body

he said he had been talking with it for four years.
blood on the walls after a bout of anger
door's hinges stuck together with duct tape
frayed carpet where his knees had fallen
for years to pray

he said he had been looking at it for three years.
searingly bright blue sky burning his eyes
black holes at the deep end of them growing smaller
lead deposited in his back dripping into his body
flesh turning to ash because of the acidity

he said he had been crying for it for two years.
photographs of his mother looking down on him
disapproval of his ancestors weighing down on him
the god he had discarded since childhood sneaking back in
to prove that there is such a thing as guilt and damnation

he said he had been losing to it for one year.
frequent emergency visits that always ended up in
one two three breathe
the way he carried himself the morning after and how he kept saying
"i'm fine, i just got drunk and fell down the stairs again."

he said he wouldn't have told anyone if i hadn't found him
in his bathroom this morning, the pills useless at this point now
his mouth frothing with saliva and mucus
his fingers stiff from trembling

and holding the ace of spades.

Freddie Mercury

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

the afterlife

when i got to the gates
st. peter was there with his list
and when i told him my name
he told me to go right in, that he was expecting me

i apologized about my lateness
the traffic had been bad
because the doctors were pretty pissed
about having to be stand-ins for Mr. Deity
and they had had some problems with the people not dying

he said it was alright and that he was expecting it
he told me he was just so tired of everyone thinking his job was easy
and how everyone thought they actually knew him

"as though they actually think they know what i really want"

"but after all, the doctors are only human"

"that's true. and they work hard enough at their jobs as it is."

he then told me that because i was an atheist
i couldn't be accepted into heaven
but that i had been a good enough person
that my time in hell would be made as painless as possible

"i hope you don't have any hard feelings"

"oh no, it's fine. i always knew this would happen."

"you'll have fun i promise. lucifer's swell. when you get down there
tell him to chill with the pills, okay?"

when i got down there, i was taken to headquarters.

atheist. mild punishment.

"hey, you're the new kid right?"

i turn around and see a muscular, twenty year old man
with tanned skin and deep black eyes
that seem to
and hold it

"i'm lucifer. nice to meet you. you are-"

"i'm the new kid."


"god told me to tell you to chill with the pills."

"you can tell him to fuck off."

"i can't. i'm stuck in here."

"no, you're gonna go back. people like you always get to go back."

"but i'm an atheist."

"you're not a bad person. you don't belong here."

"but i don't belong in heaven either."

"no, you belong on earth."

"so reincarnation is real?"

"in a way. your body will rot in the ground but when you were still alive
your soul was broken up into little pieces
like petals off a flower
and stuck into the souls of others."

"so i have no soul?"

"no, you do. you have only one petal of your original flower left
all the other petals came from the others."

"the others?"

"the others who influenced your life in any way."

"so...where am i supposed to go?"

"anywhere, really. you may stay here or go to heaven or go back to earth.
you're free to do as you please."

"i thought we were constrained to the separate worlds according to our deeds done on earth."

"we are. but since you aren't bad enough for hell and not good enough for heaven, you get to choose where to go."

"and if i don't want to go anywhere?"

he took me by the arm and led me to a garden of flowers
each with different coloured petals

"then you get to stay here.

you can find beauty even in hell
just as in heaven you can find ugliness
and on earth you can find both."

"can you find happiness in hell?"

"no. you can only find regret."

Saturday, January 16, 2010

a softer world 55 word stories part i: it's hard for us to adapt after so many years of change

just go: I see my sister, curled up, rocking, the flames licking her teddy bear. Mother's already reduced to ashes because she tried saving Dad's photograph. For the past weeks, the nightmares about the fire haven't stopped. So today, I decided I'd make them end by spreading my arms and jumping off Brooklyn Bridge. Just fly. 

one last desperate hope: I had a dream ten years ago about the perfect woman. Since then, I've been trying to capture her in every photograph I take. The kitten in the grass is her laughter. The cherries on the tree are her footsteps. The only bench in the park is her dress. That little girl is her. 

I could never deny her anything: He should have known from the beginning: the wedding, the dress, the cake. Even after the dizzy spell of puppy love fainted, she still always wanted the best. So when she said 'No. Higher', he didn't have the nerve to tell her he was actually poor. It would have been a blow to her love. 

shrapnel: My heroes are John Lennon and Oscar Wilde. They both knew what it was like to create beauty where there had been none before. But did they know that after they died, their fans would invent bombs that killed people with love and art? Did they know there'd be a war made out of peace? 

while you count clouds: I get so nervous around you, I don't remember how to think in words anymore. All that comes to mind is zero one zero. How about the sushi we ate? Did that cost zero zero one one one zero zero one or did you pay? Do you know what 'I love you' is in binary? 

Is it a boy or a girl? Maybe. : My dad's favourite bedtime story is about how I was born. He tells me about the doctors and how they'd bet money on heads (girl) or tails (boy) and see on which side the coin landed. After all, they were only human and it wasn't their fault that God had given up on his job. 

birds gotta fly: Our town had never experienced a flood before so of course it was a shock to everyone when the water reached the computers and phones. They all rushed to save perishables but I knew it was a waste of time. The only thing that would save us all now was having a giant pool party. 

true dreams: I woke up today and felt as though the ceiling were crashing in on me. I called my therapist and hysterically babbled something about the sky falling down. But she just reassured me and told me it was all going to be okay. The symptom I was feeling was part of the disease called love.

no, honey, you look fine: When I married you, I thought that you'd always look as beautiful as you did the first day I saw you, even when you got to be sixty-four. But after that horrible accident, I guess I realized that people change and that immortality doesn't equal youth. It only equals interminable sadness in you. 

Terrorism delays vote, kills. : This morning when I turned on the news, I saw planes crashing into the two buildings in NYC where my sister works. I immediately called her and on the fourth ring, she answered. "What!" "Turn the TV-" "Look, I've got a deadline in an hour. I don't have time for this." And she hung up. 

I've got poodles, yeah, I've got pomeranian gladness in my heart! : My mom changed her name from Cruella de Vil to Patsy years ago when she began the hobby of skinning dogs and making them into fur coats. It scares me that everyone thinks she's kidding but I can't stop being afraid of what will happen when she finds out that babies make excellent gloves. 

Oh man. What could happen next? : Rachel died first, just like we all knew she would. Then Matt. Then Justin. Soon, it was just us four. It was kinda cool, 'cause we were like, being tested to see who was the smartest and stuff, but at the same time, it was kinda scary 'cause like, we were all still gonna die. 

why not smile? : For hundreds of years, the statues in the parks had been frozen. When they finally came to life, they realized that if they moved, the world as they knew it would probably end. Sure, they wouldn't have to be shat on by pigeons anymore but they wouldn't be able to make fun of humans either.