Tuesday, October 10, 2006

INTERLUDE: Not Today

I don't want to think today.
In English, we're in Poetry.
And we're reading philosophical poems.
I don't want to think today,
because I'm afraid if i do, 
the sun will come reaching through
to grab me by the hand
and take me away to Heaven.

It's not that I don't want to go to Heaven,
or that I don't want to die. 
Because in Homeroom, I killed myself
so I didn't have to make people laugh.
I wanted to lie down and sit there,
and not think about anything.

I want to be blind.
I want to see darkness.
I don't want to see people,
bloated people.
Sometimes, I want to stab them,
until they die.

Sometimes, I feel silent,
and I want to be left alone.
But then the real world crashes down on me,
and it kills me.
And I want to cry.
But, I can't, because I'm dead.

Sometimes, I feel like Wednesday Addams,
like killing people for pleasure,
or being silent and not being bantered. 
Halloween scares me, though.
The candy makes me sick, so I want to throw up.

Sometimes, I want to hurt myself,
Make myself feel pain, make myself cry. 
I don't want to be a leftover.
I want to have friends,
I don't want to be here,
I want to write.
But sometimes, my ideas are like quicksilver 
and I can't keep up with them. And then,
comes writer's block, but that is so much more
agonizing.
Like a song. A couple of days singing that song, can't
getting rid of it, sweating, but you can't stop.
And then, it's gone.

You're alone.

And sad. 

Sometimes, I feel like shit. 

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