commitment

choose                        life love or pleasure

                                                                                    kiss the flame
                                                                                       touch skin

                                                                    give

                                                                     her
                                                                     to
                                                                    me
                                                               but you
                                                                      I
                                                                    we

                                                  do not                      live
                                               only my body would drag together
                                                           this discovery
                                                           of feeling full                  
                                                                  with
                                                                  you

                                                                 here 

Polyamory: The Basics

What is polyamory? Some of you may have heard of it, some of you may have not. Most of you are probably familiar with the concept but don't quite know the word to describe it. So let's start with the formal definition:

Polyamory literally means "many loves", from the Greek word "poly" (many) and the Latin word "amore" (love). So, a polyamorous relationship is theoretically a romantic (and perhaps sexual) relationship in which there are more than two parties involved and all parties know of each other and consent to this kind of relationship. It is based on romantic love, where sexual activity may or may not be included. It is based on complete and utter honesty and freely flowing communication, and is, in essence, just like any other relationship, except more people are involved.

To dispel confusion that may have risen from this definition, I'm going to do a little Q&A section now, to answer some frequently asked questions (and comments) that many may have.

Is there a difference between polygamy and polyamory?
Yes. Polygamy is also polyamory, but it also has the label of marriage slung over it. So, those who are in a polygamous relationship are also in a polyamorous one, the only difference being that you're married to one (or more) of your partners.

So polyamory is basically cheating except your partner lets you.
Absolutely not. Cheating is not an absolute list of actions or behaviours that your partner may do. What may be cheating to you may not be cheating to me. For example, some people might consider flirting with others while in a relationship to be cheating, but I personally don't count that as such. Every single relationship is different and the rules change with each single relationship you have. You have to make them with your partner(s) and everyone needs to know beforehand and consent. Rules change, of course, so communication and honesty in any relationship, especially in a poly one is key. If your partner lets you 'cheat', that's not called cheating, by the way. Absolutely everyone needs to know what's going on. If your "mistress" does not know you have a wife but your wife knows you have a mistress, that's called dishonesty, and usually, by everyone's standards, dishonesty is cheating.

What's the difference between an open relationship and a polyamorous one?
Usually, an open relationship is one in which a couple decides to stay with each other and also have usually, only sexual relationships with others, leaving the romantic and emotional components to them two. In a poly relationship, the couple agrees that falling in love with someone else while still being in love with each other is an okay situation.

If you truly love someone, you don't want or need anyone else, so going to someone else for sex or love is wrong and it means you don't really love who you're with anymore.
I really love this statement because this is one of the most important obstacles you need to get through to understand polyamory. There are several models of love out there, but I'm going to discuss the two that the statement above points to. The first is the "starvation model", which says that once you love someone, in order to love someone else, you have to retract the love you have from the first person and place it to the second person. It's basically saying that love is an object or like money, because once you give this object or the money to someone, you have less (or none) to give to everyone else.

And this is just not true. Love is not money, love is not an object. Think of it this way. Do you only have one single friend that you love, or do you have more than one that you love differently, but still truly love? Do you only love one of your children with all of your heart, and leave your other one without affection, because you cannot possibly love both at the same time? How about your family? You may say "Well, romantic love is different than friendship love or family love or child love." And you're right, it is. But it is still love, and only because you love someone definitely does not mean you cannot love someone else, obviously. People rarely only stay with one person their entire lives, they usually have multiple partners. What's the difference between serial monogamy and polyamory other than a timeline? There can come a time where two (or more) people will come into your life and you love them both and you will think you have to choose.

Why choose? If you love both of them, but differently, but still both, why must you choose, unless the two don't consent to that type of relationship?

The second model is the "scarcity model" which says that once we fall in love with another person, the switch is turned off and we just physically cannot feel any other type of romantic emotion for anyone else until our emotions for the first person disintegrate. And that's just not true. Our emotions don't work as switches, they are more like a spectrum.

Well, you're just being selfish, because you're not choosing and you want them all and you just can't have your cake and eat it too.
How is giving your love and allowing your partner to love other people selfish? If anything, it is the least selfish kind of relationship. Why can't you have your cake and eat it too? I never understood this concept. Why not? Who's stopping you, other than perhaps the one who you're loving not understand or not accepting that type of relationship.

So how do you make this all work? It sounds really complicated.
It is. And it takes a lot of work, just as any other kind of relationship does. But it gets easier if you go by the tenets of complete and utter honesty with everyone involved, brutal and open communication even if it hurts, and knowing that feelings change, rules change, people change, and that is okay. You also need to manage your time a bit better, because instead of hanging out with one person, you might be hanging out with more.

Polyamory is for those who can't commit.
Actually, if you're in a relationship with more than one person, that's twice the commitment. Commitment is not based on the rule of one, it is based on the rule of promising that you will be honest, caring, loving, that you will try to be a good partner, and uphold a relationship for as long as it lasts with that person, to act upon their needs and desires, to listen to them, and to basically be a good partner. You can have more than one commitment, and that doesn't make each one less valuable or valid.

So which one is the right kind of relationship, polyamory or monogamy?
It depends on what's right for you. This isn't one of those 1+1 = 2 kinds of situations. There is no right kind of relationship. You answer for yourself, and you do what feels right for you. If you are poly and you are forcing yourself to be monogamous, you'll only hurt you and your partner. If you're monogamous and cannot for the life of you be poly, than don't. Don't do anything you don't want to. This isn't something you should force yourself to do. Relationships are to help you grow and love and carry on,  not to cage you and force you to submit to something you don't feel comfortable with. Every single person's needs and desires are different and that is okay. Everyone will need a different kind of relationship and that. is. perfectly. fine.

If my partner wants to be in a relationship with someone else, does that mean I'm not adequate enough for them? Am I not special anymore?
If they want to dump you, that means you're not adequate for them. If they still want to be with you, that means you are. But you have to understand that you cannot and will not be everything that they want. Nobody is perfect and that is alright. If they are into some kinky thing that you really can't stand, and they go to someone else, why does that pain you? With more partners, they can teach you something you may really like, or you may learn something and use it in the bedroom or beyond and it might really change your relationship positively. You get to interact with new people and possibly make friends (and even lovers). This does not mean that you are not special to them. You are. Each love is different, and even if they love someone else, they will still love you the same way they did when they didn't love that other person. The things you did with them, you will still do. Those precious moments are still valuable.

Don't you ever get jealous?
Yes! I love this question! Jealousy is one of those things that is the most frightful feelings that will potentially ruin your relationship if you don't fix it. Of course, people get jealous all the time. Some people may not, and to those, I bow down to you and envy you immensely. Jealousy is a very green monster, but she is not to be cherished and she is not to be ran away from. Contrary to popular belief, being jealous is not a positive thing. It is a very, very bad thing. It means that you are insecure in some form or another and there is an underlying problem that you must take care of. Jealousy itself is only a symptom of the problem, not the problem itself.

So how do you get rid of it? Well, it depends on why you're jealous. If you're feeling insecure that they don't love you, communication may help. Introspection and mending your personal insecurities, whether they be physical or emotional will help. Communication will help. Removing yourself from the situation emotionally and logically dissecting the problem will give you a new perspective and make you see what you need to work on. Communication will also help. Have you noticed how many times I've said communication? That's because you need to do it. You need to talk to your partner(s) and tell them what you're feeling. Don't be afraid, don't be ashamed of this. The more you keep it in, the more it will fester and the more it will consume you completely. Being completely honest and communicating with your partner(s) will make the process of healing quicker.

Do not expect this problem to disappear within a day. This requires long, hard work, several months or years, or maybe even a lifetime to conquer. But it is possible. Trust me.

Monogamous relationships are more stable than poly ones.
Poly people are only now coming out. For decades, at least in the United States, the poly kind of relationship has been looked down upon. Not enough data has really been provided for this, at least not from what I've seen. Either way, I think each relationship is different and the type of relationship is not the problem, it's the people in it. Neither monogamy nor polyamory "fail" or "succeed", only the people in it do.

What if I don't want to have sex or love my partner's partner?
You don't have to. That's called a menage a trois (French) which is basically a triangle. Each person has sex or romantic relationships with the other two. But you have to be civil to a point, and it does help if you're friends with your partner's partner.

How about STD's? Children?
The STD game is not any different in poly relationships than it is when you're in a monogamous one or even single. Check and tell. After every time. Easy peasy. With children, it's a bit more difficult, but the thing is, that if your partners are good people, the more "parents" and people there are in the child or children's life/lives, the more love and affection and attention they will get (don't spoil them), and that will only be better for them as they grow up. It is up to you to choose partners who will not abuse your children or you.

I'm interested in this kind of relationship, but I don't think or know if my partner is. How do I approach them about this?
Gently. You suggest to them this relationship, you tell them about it, and you reassure them that you still love them. You should probably be strong in your current relationship before you bring more people into it though. Contrary to popular belief, if your current relationship is shit, bringing more emotions, feelings, and people into it, will not make it any better, it will probably fall to pieces.

So I have the people, what do I do?
You need to see that everyone is on the same page, that everyone wants more or less everything that everyone else does, and if they don't, that a compromise can be set. Everyone needs to be happy in this relationship. You are doing this relationship because you want to, not because you have to. If you're doing this just to please your partner, don't do it. You and everyone else will regret it later.

The above should do it for the simple basics of polyamory. Know that if you are poly, you are not alone. There is a world of loving around you. If you're monogamous and would never be able to do this, that's okay. If you want to try, do so, but do so carefully and attentively. Don't lie, be honest, be open, etc. You have the hearts of more than just one person in your hand so tread carefully.

And last, I would like to put some links up that helped me a lot when I first began this journey:

www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html this is very similar to what I just wrote above.
www.xeromag.com/fvpolyjealousy.html, www.xeromag.com/fvpolyrefrigerator.html, and www.xeromag.com/fvpolypiano.html are all ways to deal with your jealousy. Check out the rest of the site because it is very helpful and has articles on how to date a couple, poly do's and dont's, ways to communicate, myths, mistakes, how to deal with polyamory if you're a monogamous person, etc. 

to be

She walks across the grass, legs elegantly bending the blades, sure steady boots moulding her step into the ground. Her long golden hair, ending far below her waist, ripples in the flecks of sunshine that shower down past the enveloping branches of the trees. She makes her way resolutely to the swingset, her choice already made from afar. She is dressed all in black on this still summer day, cooler than past days, but warmer than the ones to come. She gently drops her purse and sweater and sits on the swing, calmly grasps the chains, and digs her toes into the earth

high and higher, her hair dancing now behind her
wind rustling through the empty spaces between fabric and skin

she smiles
a smile that can only be described as

pure                                       complete                                                           joy

enjoying life as only children can,

simply

being Happy as only children can,

by Being


fixes her eyes upwards
and mine travel there too
where I see a network of translucent green
the veins and blood of the leaves
weaving a web of protection
of safety
of love

looks only upwards as she swings higher
her teeth shining brighter
her smile widening further
her eyes open

open

open





and in those moments,










SHE IS

i am learning to take simple actions, events
and turn them into webs of thoughts & metaphors

a walk in the park
a fish whose fading heartbeat pulses under my fingers
five ducklings who test the might of a surging river
all gently advancing to something beyond
all weave into a maze of patterns
ribbons of human realization and aha moments
an endless realm of conclusions and re-conclusions
pursing of lips, the gears of our minds creaking

i am learning to make something out of nothing
not with my limbs, but with my mind & mouth
body decomposing into the earth
slowly ridden by Nature's most efficient mercenaries
only lips & brain rising victorious abovethe enveloping blades of green  

happiness

We do not comprehend the meaning of happiness. Humans were not made for it, thought they so desperately desire and crave it. We say constantly I want to be happy, all I want it to be happy, but when you get down to it, we're all just lying to ourselves. Because we don't really want happiness, even though we think we do. No, because each time we grasp it, each time we hold the most precious moment in this world, we fling it away from us. We are masochists and liars, deluding ourselves, and for what cause?

Progress. For if we were truly happy, we would never have come this far. We would never have fought off our competitors, never evolved into these creatures that we are now. We would never have risen to such great heights, those of Modern Technology, Medicine, and Science. Never would we have transformed this earth into cold steel, never have built monuments of such grand Beauty. We would never have developed Art, for Art comes from misery, rarely happiness.

We cannot physically compel ourselves to keep what we desire for if we did, it would be the end of us. We would perish. We would decompose in the crushing claws of Bliss. We would die with smiles upon our faces, those structures of metal crumbling around us, grass and flowers spreading themselves under our fingernails. We would slowly be consumed by our temptations, drowning in our laughter.

No, we must struggle until our deaths, struggle with Death herself, grappling for Life and choking against Time, pleading for more, more, constantly more. We cannot possibly be content with anything, not even ourselves, for that would destroy the very essence of who we are, the most basic elements in our beings. It would be betrayal of mind and body. We must constantly whine and plead and grovel for that which we crave, but truly despise. Because if we don't, if we refuse to delude ourselves, we will perish explosively and in luminescent Truth not even properly born, but in the womb of our mothers. We would see the pointlessness of human Life and this realization would consume us so completely, we would have no choice but to cease to exist. 

 

What we most want and Love is not Happiness, but Misery, for through it

we survive. 

An Unpopular Opinion On How to Prevent Rape

Disclaimer: Nobody deserves to be raped. 

I have major issues with two situations that some women present men with in the argument against rape.

The first is the "I didn't know if I wanted it and he raped me" situation. If you don't know if you want to have sex, you don't say "no", you don't struggle, you don't give him any sign that you don't want it, how is he supposed to know that he isn't supposed to advance? If you don't even say "Hey, I don't know if I actually want to go through this, I'd like for you to give me some moments to think about this before I make a decision", the man is going to suppose that you've already made your decision, and that decision is that you want to have sex with him. Even freezing and clamming up is a sign. If the woman you're trying to stick your penis in is as rigid as a corpse, maybe there's something wrong and maybe her mode of showing you that she doesn't want you to advance on her is losing her voice and freezing. But if you honestly without a doubt do not know if at the time you want to have sex with this person and you let him have his way with you and then you decide conveniently after the act, that in fact you didn't want to have sex, that's your fault, not the man's. If during the act, you make up your mind that you don't want to and you show and/or tell him that, and he doesn't stop, yes, it is his fault for not listening or taking notice. But if you let him do his thing while you're thinking if you really should do this or not and you don't try to stop him in any way or form, it's all on you.

This usually happens when one or both parties are drunk and your thinking is not so clear and you may not realize what is really happening. Unfortunately, I don't have any pity that you, of your own volition, had too much to drink and now your judgment is impaired and you can't see straight and your head is reeling and you don't remember if you really wanted this in the first place or not, but you're just going to go with it because you don't really know what else to do. You decided to become this drunk and now you have to face up to the consequences. I am a strict believer that you should be able to handle your drugs, and if you can't handle them, you shouldn't be taking them. Take responsibility for your actions. Yes, you're high and/or drunk, and I know you're impaired, but you chose to be this way, and you should know that there may be situations in which you will need to straighten up fast or you will get into trouble. If you didn't know what was going to happen when you took that extra shot of vodka, you shouldn't even be railing against anybody else except yourself. Read up on it. Learn your limits. Don't be stupid. Say something or give a sign.

The above also pertains to the one making advances. If the person you're inappropriately touching is giving a sign that he or she does not want to be touched that way, you have the responsibility to stop. No, "I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing" is not an excuse. "She seemed like she wanted it but strangely enough, at the time, she wasn't moving and I think she was a bit passed out but I know she would have said 'yes' awake" is the most horrible excuse, as is "Well, I didn't know that flailing, or grunting, or becoming stiff as a board, or glaring, or saying 'no', or trying to avoid my touch meant." Those excuses are not acceptable. If the person gives absolutely any sign that they do not want it, even drunk, they do not want it. Period. If they don't give any sign, and then they change their mind during, they don't want it, so that means you should stop. If they don't give any sign during and then they remember they didn't want it, it's on them.

The second issue I have is when women say "I should be able to walk naked on the street (at two o'clock in the morning) and not get raped and/or propositioned." Newsflash, lovelies. What should happen and what doeshappen are almost never quite the same. We live in a cruel, dark world where some men rape women no matter in what they're dressed in, whether in a burka or naked. Yes, women should be able to walk around naked without having men touch them without their consents. Yes, women should be able to walk through a dark alley at two o'clock in the morning and not be raped. Yes, women should be able to do all of these things because men should know better and should keep it in their pants.

However. This is not what happens. The truth is, that there are some people out there who are not quite right in the head and who rape others. Yelling at rapists for what they do is like yelling at a baby for crying. It just doesn't work. Rapists are a special type of people who have mental issues and who need to be treated. Not all men are rapists. Not all men who do a double take and wolf whistle at you are going to take advantage of you. But some will. And women know this from a very young age because that's what most girls are told by their parents, mothers and fathers alike. "All men want is sex so if you go outside in a low-cut shirt and a short skirt, don't be surprised if they'll want to fuck you." In a way, they're right. Don't be surprised. Don't be so offended if a man comes up to you and propositions you, because you know this will happen. You know better than to walk around at two in the morning without pepper spray, a knife, gun, knowing self-defense, or anything that will reduce the risk of you being sexually assaulted. Being self-righteous about what you should be able to do is not going to help you, it's going to get you raped.

You know what should offend you more? You know what you should do instead of railing against men and rapists and how women are victims and this shouldn't happen? You should teach your children, both male and female, that sexism is not okay. The statement above that I was taught by my mother does not stand. Women want sex too. Women stare too. It's true that women don't approach men as often as the other way around, but if parents taught their children that there's no shame in approaching, they would. There's no shame in saying "Hey, I think you're hot, may I get to know you better, maybe even in a sexual way?" If they say "no", don't get angry. Don't force it. It's okay, move on, go to the next one, there are plenty of people out there who may say "yes". Mothers should not tell their daughters that men are out there to rape them, because that only makes the situation worse. It only spreads the shit further. Men should not be taught that women are weak, vulnerable bitches that if they say "no", they should be put in their places. Nobody is born sexist, nobody is born misogynistic, nobody is born full of hatred. We are taught that by society.

Stop teaching it. Look into the future, at the next generations, not at the present one. It's too late for this generation, the damage has already been done. Those people who rape will rape. Those people who don't, won't. Women, stop being so offended and deal with the fact that this is the way it is and try to be careful. If you want to go around walking naked, tell your baby girls and boys not to be afraid, to take "no" as an answer, and to be polite, courteous, and not to hate. Men, respect women, fuck the macho, and deal with the fact that sometimes you are not always the one on top, and you don't need to be.  It is not just men's faults, it is the women's too, for spreading this societal rumour around. And guess what, it's working great. 

reality

We already live in the matrix. We will never really know the real thing, only the perception of the real thing, and that is how we define it. All of our perceptions of reality come through our senses. We see, we smell, we touch things and our thoughts are also part of our senses. We cannot interact with this world except through them. We must say that reality comes from within, within our thoughts and our brains. 

And this reality, it is patterns and stability. We walk into the room today and we see the table in the middle of the floor on the same old faded carpet we saw yesterday. And we will walk into the room tomorrow and see the same objects. And we will touch them and smell them and taste them and we will register that the table smells of wood and it tastes of cold and a singular bitterness. We will see the fibers and the colours of the carpets and we sill sit and run our hands across the leather sofas and feel softness. 

Yet what makes these objects more real than our dreams? For we can reconstruct dreams over and over again also, night after night, going through the same streets and feeling the rain on our skin, panting and feeling fear. We can touch the sweet grass underneath our bodies and see the blue, blue sky over us and close our eyes. But we cannot share them with others like we can with our rooms and our gravity. We cannot say to others Look, here is the table and carpet and couch for they will not and cannot see. We cannot share the rules of the dream world with others because there are no rules to share. When we run toward the walls, we go through them, right through yet when we open our eyes, when we approach the wall, we come back bloodied and pained. Over and over again, without fail. Reality does not end, it keeps on going, keeps on controlling you. When you jump off a building, you die, you do not keep on falling, for there is always an end to the height. Only those things that never end, never cease to be are illusory. 

And yet, the lives we live are not strictly real, for we are blinded by the visors of perception. Instead, we converge closer and closer to a point, or a limit, to that ideal absolute reality we so much desire to find. With time, with knowledge, we inch further and whether we ever do reach that magic number is only to be seen.